The Thun - The Times spoof

Big Ben's Secret Bongs Discovered

Big Ben bonged yesterday afternoon only days after apparently bonging for the last time before refurbishments inside the tower.

With health and safety concerns thought to be more important than workmen losing their eardrums, Big Ben, now known as Elizabeth, stopped bonging according to official channels for the next 4 years apart from on special occasions.

But yesterday afternoon Big Ben bonged at 3pm, shocking those nearby who heard the bongs and knew that the day was nothing special.

One witness told this newspaper: "I heard the bongs. First I thought it was some kind of recording but then I realised what it was. The bongs were coming from Big Ben!"

We have contacted the Mayor of London for a comment, but at the time of writing have not received a reply.

A scientist told this newspaper: "Technically speaking a bong is the hammer hitting the bell in the Big Ben tower and not the bong sound, but if the bell is not free to bong then nobody at ground level would hear anything. However if an actual bong has been heard then I have no idea what is going on. That would be the seventh craziest thing I have heard all year."

The bonging continues.

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Correction: In yesterday's advertorial: Tourist Burger 'Big Ben Hambongers' Half Price Offer it seems there was an error: The usual price is £22.99 for the Hambonger and not £18.99 as we claimed. We are reluctant to set our advertisers straight.

Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Eclipse Proves God Exists, Claims Man In Robes

"The moon is just exactly the right size to fit in front of the Sun which is millions of miles behind it? Give over if you think that is a random occurrence," said a man wearing robes, standing by a river and with angelic music playing behind him, this morning.

Speaking after watching the eclipses this week, many Americans, some as old as 83, declared it was proof that God existed.

They said: "It's the one sign God has given us and science completely ignores it. What are the chances that the moon is just exactly the right size to almost cover the Sun when seen from Earth? Billions to one against. It must be God's work."

A scientist we asked for a comment mumbled incoherently for five minutes before hanging up the phone. He may have been drunk.

The end of the world approaches.

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Also In Today's Paper:

10 Things Not To Do During A Total Eclipse

10 Things You Must Do During a Total Eclipse

Numbers Of People Buying Bomb Shelters Explode

Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor

Dear Sir,

Which political party is offering a Smoothie Brexit? That gets my vote. They are delicious, especially the ones with summer fruits in.

Yours, Benny Jones

Dear Sir,

Your article comparing and contrasting Disney's Up to Donald Trump as the old guy and Kim Jong Un as his young male friend made me weep with laughter. Bravo!

Yours, Jerry McEditor

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Dear Sir,

If Kim Jong Un becomes a surprise guest on the next series of Celebrity Big Brother is that a good sign or a bad sign as far a nucleararmageddon goes?

Yours, Montgomery Churchill III