The Thun - The Times spoof

Cumshot: Boris's Dom Lays It All Out On The Table

Dominic Cummings, 7 stone 4lbs, likened Boris Johnson's Covid confusion to having sex in a shopping trolley banging side-to-side in the aisle of a supermarket but without the sex today in a public hearing that had only three short wee breaks.

Gasping Cummings, 59 minutes since last break, said that he had tried to get Matt Hancock, 5ft 3, sacked over 400 times because he wasn't a tenth as good as the brilliant Michael Gove would have been.

Defending his actions, Hancock, minister jogging in shorts, speaking outside his home whilst the testimony was given, said he would defend his actions fully later but had to go for a run now, talk later he told reporters.

After the first question in parliament Hancock said he was sorry but he had to go for a run and he would answer questions fully later. He ripped his trousers off Superman style exposing athletically moist legs and ran out of the building with a winning boyish wave.

Correction: In yesterday's story 'Shakespeare Book: Boris Johnson's editor shows frustration again by throwing computer out of the window once more' we have been asked to clarify that the excerpt we printed when Shakespeare says what do you think of the show so far and a skull sitting in his hand then says 'rubbish' is actually from the Morcambe and Wise Show and not from Shakespeare at all. That part has since been removed from the first draft submitted by the prime minister. We are happy to set the record straight

Daily Excrement - Daily Express

Rapport spécial du Royaume-Uni: Deepcock Speaks

LONDRES: You join me, here, in a deserted underground garage near Westminster in the early hours of the morning. It is dark but for the electric lights in the corners, casting an eerie shadow. I have, standing in front of me, a person with knowledge of the government's position, who we have named Deepcock and we will never reveal who it actually is unless we accidentally reveal it 30 years later.

Deepcock is one of Dominic Cummings' critics and has agreed to set the record straight about his time working as the prime minister's first in command.

Deepcock tells me of an incident with the vending machine. "Dominic devised a plan to confuse the vending machine by spinning ten pences to make the machine think they were 50p pieces. It's all in the finger strength, Dom told me. If you spun them fast the machine got confused and you were able to get countless big KitKats for 10p. The fraud was only concealed because Jacob Rees-Mogg found it funny that if he spun 50p pieces in the machine they came up as 10p.

These explosive revelations from Deepcock, 5ft 3, out jogging to avoid cameras and to assure his anonymity, were quickly ended when a car screeched in the background. This reporter looked back and he was gone. No sign even of his little legs running away let alone a lovely little wave.

Also In Today's Paper:

Picture Special: Is it a potato or is it Dominic Cummings? Take our brilliant quiz!

Boris Johnson's hairdresser signs £35 Million deal with ScaryHair.com

Boris's Hair Or Hairy Mollusc? Take our brilliant picture quiz

Daily Mail

Letters To The Editor (Moanerated by Sir Appleby-Garth-Smedley-Smythe)

Dear Sir,

Isn't Dominic Cummings a chatty man? I assumed he would be stroppy and curt. But not in the slightest. He was fluent and believable, with the poise of a much better looking man. Just how I hope I come across when I'm having a bitch about someone.

Yours, Henry Vimto

Dear Sir,

At last Carrie has made an honest man out of Boris. I always knew Dominic Cummings was being beastly to him. A man who honestly never combs his hair is fine by me.

Yours, Harry Jones

Dear Sir,

I was invited to Boris and Carrie's Wedding. What a lovely ceremony. We all said prayers for Dominic Cummings and then sang hymns mentioning decapitation. Happy Days!

Yours, Victor Mildew