ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19

Bourgeon, made of beef or any other beef-like ingredient, with spaghetti or long type pasta (Saturn doesn't like the shell shape type one little bit) are well starred this month especially when served with meat balls and a nice red wine and arranged on the plate in an easterly direction.

East facing is, indeed, well starred for all of the month especially at sunrises, and also for sunsets if you are after a perfect all round tan.

Mercury is about to obstruct a plan or a strategy; expect to encounter problems of the flashing red kind. Sirens or alarms also seem to be in your charts as Pluto aspects the lower motions of a hesitant Jupiter.

In view of this celestial un comfortableness, heed warnings from creaking joints and respect aging in all of its back achy forms.

CANCER Jun 21 - Jul 21

You are about to rediscover the joys of the outdoorsy life, and especially the cowboy life, that you have shunned since Brokeback Mountain.

Hosiery, black lace under garments and possibly non-masculine looking cars are particularly well starred this month.

Running in grassy meadows with dogs just big enough to be seen above the grass are well starred. Running in long grass with short dogs when you can only tell where they are by their desperate yappy barks are badly to dramatically tragically starred for most of the daylight hours.

The words Baboon and trigonometry are well starred.

This month your destiny is like an askew hat.

LEO Mar 20 - Apr 19

Dosey doe-ing, jiving (either the whole body or just the hand variety) and Doo Wop are dance styles set to be added to your vocabulary this month.

Country music, in the 1970's sense including checked shirts and big straw stetsons and big balloonesque bosoms, may answer a long held question about a popular make of car.

Perry Como is also well starred, especially when he starts singing his Magic Moments mega-hit. You might like to join in with the backing vocals, especially the whistling.

All in all a highly musical month is in prospect, enjoy theatrically.

VIRGO Aug 23 - Sept 21

The phrase 'having your cake and eating it' has always troubled you... This is because, today, cakes all have best before dates on them so if you don't eat your cake before the best before date you technically have to lose your cake. So you can have a cake and not eat it even when you have the cake sitting invitingly in front of you. The point the planets are trying to make here is to make the most of precious cake eating time - what you have today might not be there tomorrow, and especially don't listen to old sayings from elderly people about cakes (Elderly people are those above 32).

And another thing: Kenny Rogers had it down partly right when he said 'Never count your money while you're sitting at the table' (C) The Gambler. However his logic was flawed in a number of specific circumstances, such as when you have to pay a bar bill out of your winnings and if the winnings are less than the bar bill you would have to count all of your winnings to make sure how much you were short.

These are just two problems you will encounter in an increasingly cliche filled world of yours in part due to a storm raging on Saturn's underside.

TAURUS Apr 20 - May 19

Jason Statham should be your role model in any hardware based purchasing activities this month. You may even get a discount if you remove your shirt before lifting heavy supplies of wood to your truck if your BMI is below 24. Ask before your strip to avoid disappointment.

Jupiter and Saturn are in beneficial alliance in any home improvement tasks - apart from that dangerous looking circle sawing thingie that looks like it is begging to remove someone's fingers or hand - no planet in the universe can make that no dang good machine safe and don't believe any horoscope that says they can because they can't...

A large bird, a small furry mammal, or a talkative child, are set to provide moments of danger this month while driving at 10% above or below the speed limit.

This month your destiny is a backseat driver.

LIBRA Sept 22 - Oct 22

Prospects of generating your own electricity by wiring up an exercise bicycle or an energetic hamster's running wheel, are well starred, although don't be surprised how little electricity a five minute pedal on your cycle actually makes.

Oats and haute cuisine are well starred as are beans cut to lay like matchsticks on the plate. Pink champagne or any of the perfectly excellent similar regional sparkling wines are well starred especially if you want to drink to unconsciousness due to a minor befuddlement you are having. If this feeling persists seek help from any person who looks like a doctor you meet in a bar.

A person you splashed in your car when you went though a puddle a while ago is about to get their revenge in an equally watery way thanks to Saturn's machinations.

This month your destiny wears the crooked hair of the inbred.

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21

Wind-up toy animals that bang cymbals or drums, and shaky snow stormy plastic items are all well starred this month as you enter the holiday trinkets zone. With staycations all the rage this year, your plastic collection of useless trinkets from around the world will provide moments of innocent cheap glittery pleasure.

Your list of appropriately named employees at fast food establishments will continue to grow this month, on top of Duncan from Dunkin Donuts, Jim King from Burger King and Ron from McDonalds you should look out for: Jenny Way from Subway's, Herb Bell from Taco Bell, Danny from Denny's, and Roy from Roy Rogers.

This month your destiny may depend on you taking vitamin supplements because you are eating way too much fast food...

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21

A moment of temporary bewilderment may set you off on the wrong footing this month.

Beware mollusc's and micro-organisms in all of their forms - they are under the influence of an aggressive Saturn and could provide danger in many different ways including mild burning sensations in parts of the body that rarely see the sun.

Waking up in the middle of the night sweating and screaming for help are so-soly starred especially if you can't remember what you were dreaming about. Think, think again. You must remember what it is... Did you dribble on the pillow? That is a very good sign...

You like nothing better than to compare friends and family members to popular television and film characters. Your secret is about to come out. Be prepared for some tearful cross-questioning from those you have done wrong, especially the ones you have named Captain Caveman and Fred Flintstone.

GEMINI May 20 - Jun 20

Milk, cheese, but not butter or vegetable spread are chiller cabinet friends this month, if Jupiter has his way.

Milkshakes using vegetables instead of fruits are well starred. Yes they taste awful especially the potato milkshake - Saturn may have some explaining to do.

Men in hats and men with hats and long beards are superbly well starred this month especially in Israel, and New Jersey.

Jumping off of ledges, small buildings and synchronized diving are so-so starred especially in any scenario covered in any of the 11 seasons of Baywatch. Jupiter and Mars have taken over control of the world's lifeguards this month while Venus, their usual ruler, takes a break.

This month your destiny wears a frown.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

Someone who looks just under 25% like a movie star is about to pepper your month with romance, intrigue, or just may buy you a pint in the pub, as Saturn transtapers a reluctant Mercury's breast around and around.

You are at 61% chance of deciding on a new workout regime on the 7th, and then put it off to your new years resolutions list 2018/19.

Venus and Saturn are in an interesting alignment this month. The immediate upshot for all Capricorns is the inability to kick a ball straight.

Gregorian chants and walking slowly like a monk are perfectly starred at dusk until 30th of the month.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 17

Flipping coins, juggling fruits, and single handed tricks involving the remote control on your television or hifi are set to pepper your leisure time with an element of artistic excitement.

Absentminded doodles with big loops, but not small round loops, are well starred during coffee break or phone calls on the first three Tuesdays of the month. An eager eye might indicate a latent talent for predicting the future, even satire, with your scribbles (look for big eared local politicians to mercilessly lampoon). You might try to find Understanding Doodles For Dummies in the book shops but they haven't written it yet. It is only time until they do.

Jupiter is determined to make your eyebrows grow over 300% quicker than usual. Plucking, shaving and leaving them to fluff out are all equally well starred.

This month your destiny is like a child with a yellow squeaky toy.

PISCES Feb 18 - Mar 19

A contretemps, a joie de vivre and even a coup d'etat are well starred this month as Neptune heads to the south of France for his holiday. Garlic snails and frogs legs are perfectly starred when served with a nice red wine.

Insect repellant is set to work 3% better than usual but it's still too early to throw away your fly swatter.

Plastic pointy things are particularly well starred around the 17th of the month, especially if on a beach and digging a sand castle.

This month your destiny is like a beach ball caught in the wind of fortune.